Things Not to Say to Grieving People

The days and weeks after my dad died, so many people came to visit us. The offered their sympathy and meant the very best, but sometimes they just tried too hard to say something profound. The people I appreciated the most were those who admitted that they didn't know what to say and just hugged my neck. Death is a part of life, and you'll have to face it sometime. There are some things that I heard many many times that were said in vain.

Things not to say to people who are grieving:

1) God is going to use this in your life

Sure He will! But that’s not what people want to hear. It’s a little insensitive. People in the midst of a tragedy can’t even fathom that they are going to have to face the next day. That’s their biggest challenge, not how they are going to reach others through their story. I didn’t really care that God was going to use it and honestly I didn’t want Him to. Why was my dad’s death something that God had to use? Couldn’t it be something else? It was true, but those were empty words to me.

2)  God won’t give you more than you can bear.

PLEASE! I’m calling absolute BALONEY on this one. This verse is taken COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTEXT. The verse that is being referred to when people say this is 1 Corinthians 10:13. It says: "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." It’s not saying that life won’t be so hard that you can’t bear it; it’s saying that when you are tempted, God always provides a way out. How dare you tell a mother whose child is dying of cancer or a teenager whose parents are divorcing that God won’t give them more than they can handle? Of course God will give us more than we can handle. Life happens, but God meets us there---in the middle of our pain and our hurt. He promises to be there with us.

3)   I understand.

Do you? Do you really understand? Unless you have suffered the same loss or a similar one, you don’t understand. And you never will until you experience loss in the same way.

4) I'm praying for you.

I'm not saying not to pray for them, but don't tell somebody that you're praying for them if you aren't going to. I think that's something that we just say to people just because that's what we've been conditioned to say. But I know for me that I will often tell people I'm praying for them and I never do. Here's what I've been trying to get myself to do: when I tell someone I'm praying for them, if I'm typing it I'll do it right then. If I'm saying it to someone, I'll stop and pray with them. Trust me, prayers from my fellow brothers and sisters are what got me through the first few days and months following my dad's death. Pray. Don't just say you're going to out of courtesy, actually do it.

When you can't find words to say to someone in the midst of tragedy, it's best to keep silent. Sometimes the best thing you can do for them is to physically just be there. Serve them in practical ways. The state of shock I was in kept me from eating, showering and even being able to dress myself properly. How I wish that someone who wasn’t experiencing my loss would have come to be with me—be strong for me. People won’t be able to tell you that they need you because they can’t see past their situation. That’s when you literally show up, and if they don’t need you you’ll know and you can be gone. Trying to find the right words is impossible.  If you don’t know what to say, stay quiet, for your words will be found empty to those who hear them.