I survived because I have hope that one day when I stop living here on earth, I will stand side by side with my Daddy as we worship our King. But this hope was so often overshadowed by my hurt and anger. I was angry at God! Wasn't He sovereign? Could he not have intervened and stopped my dad from taking his life? Yes. He certainly could have. I became bitter because of this. I stopped seeking God--why would I want to know better the God who allowed my father to die? But I had other days when I felt God's perfect peace and I trusted Him. Other days though, His love felt far away. How could God still love me so much when I was so angry at Him and wasn't seeking Him? I felt that somehow He was disappointed in me and was waiting for me to "get over it" and turn to Him. I knew that wasn't true though. I knew it, but I couldn't see it. I even questioned if He really did love me. I couldn't see Him as the loving God that He is. His love isn't something we feel though. We know He loves us because of what he does. Through all my questioning, I was sure of my salvation. I knew God was real because I have tasted and seen His goodness.That's how I knew He loved me. Jesus. Ephesians 1:45 says "In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will..." He sent Jesus because He loves us! It gives Him pleasure to call us His! It was such a simple truth but I overlooked it. He chose me to be His daughter and loves me the way He loves Jesus because I am a coheir with Christ! That was so freeing. He loves me no matter what---through my doubts, through my anger and through my bitterness. He cares for me. He cares about me and so much so that every single gazillion tear I've cried the past year, He has gathered it and stored it away (Psalm 56:8). He cares about every little detail of your life!
God seemed so silent and I thought that I would never hear from Him through my hurt. But James 1 talks about praying for wisdom in our hard times. When we ask for wisdom, God gives it to us generously! That has been my prayer, and He has been generous in giving wisdom and teaching me these things.
1) God doesn't waste anything. After my dad died people would tell me that God was going to use it so that I could minister to others. And you know what I wanted to tell those well-meaning people? That I didn't care. That God could use somebody else's story. Let someone else's dad die and give me mine back because that's all I wanted. Couldn't He use me without allowing my dad to die? I know I'll ever stop missing my dad or that I'll ever say that I'm okay with him being gone, but I've seen that GOD WILL USE MY PAIN FOR HIS GLORY. He wants to be glorified, and if you ask Him to use your suffering for good, His power will be made perfect through your weakness!
2) Stop complaining. For real, when I came back to school after my dad's passing and I heard people complaining, I wanted to scream at them. I was just thinking, come on people! Don't you realize that there are people in the world who are having the worst day of their lives and you're complaining about an assignment that seems too hard? Like, if you want to complain about something, my dad killed himself three days after my birthday. He didn't even speak to me on my that day and I didn't get to tell him bye. But my story isn't even that bad really. There are thousands of little girls who are being used as slaves and who have the mindset that they are WORTHLESS. There are babies in Africa who die from malnutrition. Is it really going to help to gripe about this thing that won't matter in 20 years? Before you complain, remember that not complaining sets you apart as a child of God (Phillipians 2:14).
3) Treasure the people in your life. If I had known that my birthday was the last time I would see my dad, I would have spent that weekend so differently. I would have come home earlier, I would have held my dad's hand and told him that I believed in him. I didn't get to do that though. And I'm sure I'll always wish I had. Some people say that that's living in the past and that it doesn't do any good to think that way. That may be true, but what kind of person would I be if I didn't want one last hug and kiss from my dad? Love the people that are important to you like it's the last time you'll ever see them. You'll love deeper and more sincerely. You're only given one family, so hold them close and realize that some people don't have what you have.
4) Know when to let people go. Some people are in your life for a season. They serve a purpose in your life, but there comes a point when you just have to know that you need to let go and accept that there is a time for everything, even relationships.
5) Stop being critical of your pastor. My dad was a pastor all of my life. I saw him pour his heart and life into his ministry, only to be criticized by certain people. He didn't know enough about finances. Our church wasn't growing and it was his fault. He didn't say exactly what they wanted to hear and they were "hurt." He didn't spend enough time at the church. Yet these people weren't fulfilling the Great Commission as my father was. He loved people and built relationships with them and grew them as disciples of Christ. And his critics never once came to church with a lost friend they were trying to reach or someone they were pouring their lives into. Your pastor was chosen by God to serve in vocational ministry. He spends time visiting people in the hospital, studying God's word, ministering to your community and it often takes him away from his family. Don't criticize him because you don't think that the way he preached his sermon was very exciting or because he wasn't at his office very much that week. He is doing what God has called him to do and he's under so much pressure. We're the body of Christ! He isn't the only one called to serve--you are too because you're a part of the body and it needs every part to function. Praise your pastor and encourage him. Partner with him and let him know that you're on his side. Make his job easier.
God has done so much in my life the past year it's hard to put it all into words. His mercies are new every morning, and I thank Him for that on nights like these. His grace is bigger than our troubles and His love is far greater than our pain.
