Let's Be Honest

If you know me, you know that I'm an honest person. Heck, if you've read any of my previous posts you can tell that I'm an honest person. I just lay it all out there. To me, there are times when honesty is the best gift you can give to someone. I'm honest because I don't want people to have questions. Plus, you know what? Sometimes we feel like we're the only one in the world having the thoughts or feelings that we have and hate having them, until someone opens up and we see that we're not alone.

So many people who are scared to be honest. You know why? Because being honest takes vulnerability. It takes a person deciding that they are going to risk their pride so that others can know that it's okay to not have it all together! Hold up, can I just ride that train for a minute? Some of us walk around like we have got our act together. We've got these great friends, we have a Pinterest-perfect wardrobe and our lives are pretty much perfect. Except for that in our hearts we just have this struggle because all of our friends are coupling off and getting engaged and married and we're still single and we think that maybe, just maybe it's because there's something wrong with us. Or we're dealing with these feelings of inadequacy and feel that we're not good enough. But we put on this facade and we're not willing to admit that our lives aren't perfect and that we do indeed struggle. You could save someone a great deal of pain just by sharing your struggles. I'm not saying to go around and share your deepest secrets with just anyone, no no. I'm saying to be willing to share your heart when God presents you with the opportunity.

It's been over a year since my dad died and I don't have as many days where I can't keep the tears from coming and sadness overtakes me. But there was just this one day where I heard a message in chapel and the speaker shared that my home state has the highest rate of pastoral suicide with 8 pastors in the past year taking their own lives. My dad was the 8th. I couldn't keep from crying but dangit I had to pull it together because I had to go to class! I went to class and I thought I would be okay. My professor was sitting right in front of me and asked for prayer requests. I think she could already tell I was about to lose it, so I shared. I wasn't about to cry and have everyone wondering why! I tried to speak through my tears, and I managed to tell my 12 other precious classmates that most days I can be strong, but today was not the day. God was still glorified in my tears and sadness. Later one of my lovely classmates told me something that I hold in my heart. She said "the more we are vulnerable the more we begin to realize how in need of Christ's strength and His identity we are...that's when we begin to truly become like Christ." So that's the big picture! Being honest and vulnerable glorifies God. His power is made perfect in your weakness!

Choosing Joy

I've thought about this for a while, and I really have lots of reasons to be bitter. Is that awful for me to say? I really do though, but by God's strength and power and only that, I choose joy. I choose joy because being bitter hurts. It hurts me and it hurts others. It's messy and it damages hearts and relationships. I've walked that road and if  I could go back and change it I would do it in a heartbeat. But we don't get second chances once we've hurt someone. Friendships that have been broken and hurt can be put back together, but they'll never be the same.

I could walk around being a victim of suicide. I could blame my dad's critics and the church. I could say that he tried and he tried but the people wouldn't serve and they wouldn't change. I could be bitter at the church for not supporting their pastors and for not serving the lost. But I have to choose joy. Being bitter towards the church will certainly not help me. The church as a whole is the bride of Christ! He loves His bride and I need to as well. We are one and I belong to the body of believers. Mark 3:25 say that a house will fall if it is divided against itself. Being bitter would cause even more problems in the church. We're imperfect people, and until Jesus comes to take His bride away, the church will be imperfect too.

My point is, sometimes we have to CHOOSE joy. We have to literally decide that we aren't going to walk around being hurt, angry and resentful and decide to live with joy. Bitterness is pointless and it keeps people from wanting to be around you. So today I challenge you  to not let the hurt from yesterday keep you from living this day to the fullest. You only get to live this day once, so don't let bitterness steal the goodness.

Things Not to Say to Grieving People

The days and weeks after my dad died, so many people came to visit us. The offered their sympathy and meant the very best, but sometimes they just tried too hard to say something profound. The people I appreciated the most were those who admitted that they didn't know what to say and just hugged my neck. Death is a part of life, and you'll have to face it sometime. There are some things that I heard many many times that were said in vain.

Things not to say to people who are grieving:

1) God is going to use this in your life

Sure He will! But that’s not what people want to hear. It’s a little insensitive. People in the midst of a tragedy can’t even fathom that they are going to have to face the next day. That’s their biggest challenge, not how they are going to reach others through their story. I didn’t really care that God was going to use it and honestly I didn’t want Him to. Why was my dad’s death something that God had to use? Couldn’t it be something else? It was true, but those were empty words to me.

2)  God won’t give you more than you can bear.

PLEASE! I’m calling absolute BALONEY on this one. This verse is taken COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTEXT. The verse that is being referred to when people say this is 1 Corinthians 10:13. It says: "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." It’s not saying that life won’t be so hard that you can’t bear it; it’s saying that when you are tempted, God always provides a way out. How dare you tell a mother whose child is dying of cancer or a teenager whose parents are divorcing that God won’t give them more than they can handle? Of course God will give us more than we can handle. Life happens, but God meets us there---in the middle of our pain and our hurt. He promises to be there with us.

3)   I understand.

Do you? Do you really understand? Unless you have suffered the same loss or a similar one, you don’t understand. And you never will until you experience loss in the same way.

4) I'm praying for you.

I'm not saying not to pray for them, but don't tell somebody that you're praying for them if you aren't going to. I think that's something that we just say to people just because that's what we've been conditioned to say. But I know for me that I will often tell people I'm praying for them and I never do. Here's what I've been trying to get myself to do: when I tell someone I'm praying for them, if I'm typing it I'll do it right then. If I'm saying it to someone, I'll stop and pray with them. Trust me, prayers from my fellow brothers and sisters are what got me through the first few days and months following my dad's death. Pray. Don't just say you're going to out of courtesy, actually do it.

When you can't find words to say to someone in the midst of tragedy, it's best to keep silent. Sometimes the best thing you can do for them is to physically just be there. Serve them in practical ways. The state of shock I was in kept me from eating, showering and even being able to dress myself properly. How I wish that someone who wasn’t experiencing my loss would have come to be with me—be strong for me. People won’t be able to tell you that they need you because they can’t see past their situation. That’s when you literally show up, and if they don’t need you you’ll know and you can be gone. Trying to find the right words is impossible.  If you don’t know what to say, stay quiet, for your words will be found empty to those who hear them. 

Surviving Suicide: One Year Later

On this day last year, my world crashed in around me. I got a call from my mom that afternoon telling me to come home. That's all she said. In my gut, I knew what had happened. I frantically packed a few random items and my roommate and I rushed to my home. The hour long drive seemed to take forever. Shock was starting to set in. The whole way I was hoping that maybe I would have to go to the hospital because there had been an accident. I was trying to be positive, but I knew. I knew he was gone. And I knew why. My dad took his own life one year ago today. He had had a short battle with depression and couldn't see his way out of the pain he was feeling. The past year has been terrible awful at times. I've been angry at God, angry at my friends, I've been sad and I've cried until my head pounded and I couldn't cry any more. I didn't think that I would be able to face another day. But I did. I faced the next day and the next day and every day after that. I'm still breathing. I survived suicide.

I survived because I have hope that one day when I stop living here on earth, I will stand side by side with my Daddy as we worship our King. But this hope was so often overshadowed by my hurt and anger. I was angry at God! Wasn't He sovereign? Could he not have intervened and stopped my dad from taking his life? Yes. He certainly could have. I became bitter because of this. I stopped seeking God--why would I want to know better the God who allowed my father to die? But I had other days when I felt God's perfect peace and I trusted Him. Other days though, His love felt far away. How could God still love me so much when I was so angry at Him and wasn't seeking Him? I felt that somehow He was disappointed in me and was waiting for me to "get over it" and turn to Him. I knew that wasn't true though. I knew it, but I couldn't see it. I even questioned if He really did love me. I couldn't see Him as the loving God that He is. His love isn't something we feel though. We know He loves us because of what he does. Through all my questioning, I was sure of my salvation. I knew God was real because I have tasted and seen His goodness.That's how I knew He loved me. Jesus. Ephesians 1:45 says "In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will..." He sent Jesus because He loves us! It gives Him pleasure to call us His! It was such a simple truth but I overlooked it. He chose me to be His daughter and loves me the way He loves Jesus because I am a coheir with Christ! That was so freeing. He loves me no matter what---through my doubts, through my anger and through my bitterness. He cares for me. He cares about me and so much so that every single gazillion tear I've cried the past year, He has gathered it and stored it away (Psalm 56:8). He cares about every little detail of your life! 

God seemed so silent and I thought that I would never hear from Him through my hurt. But James 1 talks about praying for wisdom in our hard times. When we ask for wisdom, God gives it to us generously! That has been my prayer, and He has been generous in giving wisdom and teaching me these things.

1) God doesn't waste anything. After my dad died people would tell me that God was going to use it so that I could minister to others. And you know what I wanted to tell those well-meaning people? That I didn't care. That God could use somebody else's story. Let someone else's dad die and give me mine back because that's all I wanted. Couldn't He use me without allowing my dad to die? I know I'll ever stop missing my dad or that I'll ever say that I'm okay with him being gone, but I've seen that GOD WILL USE MY PAIN FOR HIS GLORY. He wants to be glorified, and if you ask Him to use your suffering for good, His power will be made perfect through your weakness!

2) Stop complaining. For real, when I came back to school after my dad's passing and I heard people complaining, I wanted to scream at them. I was just thinking, come on people! Don't you realize that there are people in the world who are having the worst day of their lives and you're complaining about an assignment that seems too hard? Like, if you want to complain about something, my dad killed himself three days after my birthday. He didn't even speak to me on my that day and I didn't get to tell him bye. But my story isn't even that bad really. There are thousands of little girls who are being used as slaves and who have the mindset that they are WORTHLESS. There are babies in Africa who die from malnutrition. Is it really going to help to gripe about this thing that won't matter in 20 years? Before you complain, remember that not complaining sets you apart as a child of God (Phillipians 2:14).

3) Treasure the people in your life. If I had known that my birthday was the last time I would see my dad, I would have spent that weekend so differently. I would have come home earlier, I would have held my dad's hand and told him that I believed in him. I didn't get to do that though. And I'm sure I'll always wish I had. Some people say that that's living in the past and that it doesn't do any good to think that way. That may be true, but what kind of person would I be if I didn't want one last hug and kiss from my dad? Love the people that are important to you like it's the last time you'll ever see them. You'll love deeper and more sincerely. You're only given one family, so hold them close and realize that some people don't have what you have.

4) Know when to let people go. Some people are in your life for a season. They serve a purpose in your life, but there comes a point when you just have to know that you need to let go and accept that there is a time for everything, even relationships.

5) Stop being critical of your pastor. My dad was a pastor all of my life. I saw him pour his heart and life into his ministry, only to be criticized by certain people. He didn't know enough about finances. Our church wasn't growing and it was his fault. He didn't say exactly what they wanted to hear and they were "hurt." He didn't spend enough time at the church. Yet these people weren't fulfilling the Great Commission as my father was. He loved people and built relationships with them and grew them as disciples of Christ. And his critics never once came to church with a lost friend they were trying to reach or someone they were pouring their lives into. Your pastor was chosen by God to serve in vocational ministry. He spends time visiting people in the hospital, studying God's word, ministering to your community and it often takes him away from his family. Don't criticize him because you don't think that the way he preached his sermon was very exciting or because he wasn't at his office very much that week. He is doing what God has called him to do and he's under so much pressure. We're the body of Christ! He isn't the only one called to serve--you are too because you're a part of the body and it needs every part to function. Praise your pastor and encourage him. Partner with him and let him know that you're on his side. Make his job easier.

God has done so much in my life the past year it's hard to put it all into words. His mercies are new every morning, and I thank Him for that on nights like these. His grace is bigger than our troubles and His love is far greater than our pain.