Allowing the Lord to father me wasn't even something I ever really thought about before my dad died, if I'm honest. It wasn't even something I thought about after he died until someone said something to me about it, and once they did it became something I wrestled with and thought about often. I knew I needed to do it, but I didn't want to. Maybe it was because I was prideful, but mostly it was because I was angry with God. God began to chip away at that pride and anger during a worship service as I listened to Be Thou My Vision, and the song says "Thou my great Father and I thy true son..." The Lord, patient and kind as He is, told me "it's possible." I knew that even though I was angry at God, even though I felt like He wasn't working in my life, one day I would be able to lovingly call Him my father. God continued to beckon me, but I was so unable to come to Him. I couldn't call him my Abba until I heard a truth about myself as His child that humbled me and set me free at the same time. I went unsuspectingly to a church service where the pastor was sharing about Jesus as our great high priest. He told us that since we are co-heirs with Christ, it means that we are loved by God the same way He loves Jesus because, wait for it, we are His children. I had never identified myself as God's child in a personal way. On that day, the truth I knew in my head that I was God's child became overwhelmingly true in my heart. Galatians 4:6 says "Because you are his sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, 'Abba, Father.'" I'd been given a spirit of sonship, it wasn't something I had to find! What a gracious Father. I so desperately needed Him as my father, but I had no idea what that was supposed to look like. It's not something to over think though, as I often do. God being my father looked in so many ways like my dad was my Daddy. Daddy was the man I felt safe with because I knew he would always be there for me and would take care of our family. He made me feel protected, and when I held his hand or hugged his neck, I found security. Also, my dad always made sure we knew that any man who wanted to date us would have to go through him first. And he taught us to be women who are confident in who we really are, flaws and all. My dad was such a good dad, and I really do mean every word about him!
I quickly learned that the things I felt about my dad were true of God, but in a much greater and perfect way. God quickly showed me that he wants to protect my heart and keep it safe. You know how as girls we can just meet a cute guy and within 5 minutes we have our lives planned out with him? Let's be real sisters, we may not admit that out loud but we've all done it! That became a real problem for me though, because I want more than a daydream. I don't want to waste my time thinking about a man I have no chance of having a future with, so I asked God to guard my heart from mindless crushes. I went even further and asked Him to keep me from a relationship until I was ready. I also asked Him to limit my relationships with men, even spiritual father figures, because I didn't want to seek that kind of relationship in a way that wasn't healthy. Slowly I began to recognize the lack of male influence in my life. My brother was living far away, both of my grandfathers were dead, and one of my dearest friends wasn't around much. I was thinking about how few men I had in my life, and God simply told me, "I am your one and only." He weaned me from depending on a relationship with any man for security. He let me know that in Him, I had all I need in a father. Period. Not only did I see how He guards my heart, but He's shown me in a new way that He is my provider. My pastor told us that God is the provider for our families, not a husband or father. I saw that because there is no man in my home, God is my provider in so many ways. He is my protector. He is my leader. Whoa. I get to see the beauty in having God care for me, for my family because of our need for Him. There is such a sweetness in relying solely on His strength to carry us. He is my constant, the only one in my life who will not fail me. Who won't leave me. Who knows the deepest desires of my heart and who will walk with me in every single season of my life, the good and the bad. He is never ceasing and never changing. That's something I have a hard time with--change. Especially changes in my relationships. After my dad died and as we've entered new seasons in our lives and our roles have changed, relationships in my family have changed. It unnerves me. It scares me, but God is my safe place. Just like my daddy's arms calmed my fears and made me feel safe, I'm safe in the arms of my Father.
All of this isn't to say that I don't miss my daddy. I do, sometimes so much that it overwhelms me. I would literally give anything to have him back. God is more than enough for me, but sometimes I miss the audible voice of comfort or a big hug that makes everything okay. No one will ever replace my dad and I know I'll always miss him, but God has a beautiful way of meeting our need for human connection. My brother and my uncle are two men that God has used hugely the past two years of my life to bring me comfort and guidance when I need it the very most. I think of them as my "guardian redeemers." The story of Ruth has resonated with me since my dad died and every time I hear it or study it, I relate to it in a different way. Boaz is second in line as Ruth's guardian redeemer. When he takes Ruth as his wife, he also buys the property of Naomi's family and makes sure that the names of her sons and husband stay with the family (Ruth 4:10). What a noble thing for him to do! My Uncle Jimmy shared his testimony recently with someone who is very important to me but never met my dad. He made a point to let them know that my dad led him to know Christ. He made sure that my dad's legacy and love for the gospel stayed with the family. What a redeeming Father I have.
I'm pretty new to not having an earthly father who is present. I know there are a lot of people in the same situation, left fatherless for other reasons. Don't forget these people, men of God. I ask you to consider how you, as a man, can care for the fatherless. Hearing encouragement from a man provides so much affirmation for someone, and I can't explain why. Giving a hug and letting a fatherless child know that you're just physically there brings comfort. Do something. To the fatherless: there is a God who loves you fiercely despite how you feel towards Him. Talk to Him and settle things today. It's worth it for reasons you won't even know until you're in eternity.
