A Good, Good Father

Not long after my dad died, someone (who had also lost her father at a young age) told me that I needed to trust God as my father. Not just as my Father God who is holy and merciful, but as my Abba, my dad. She was telling me that I needed to "entrust" God with the fatherly duties my dad had. I immediately rejected the thought in my heart. To me, I still had a daddy and I wasn't too happy with the way God was doing things in my life at that point. What a good good Father I have though. He knows this daughter of His, and He gently revealed Himself as my father over a journey that is so dear to me. As I began it, I knew that it was a journey He would want me to share.

Allowing the Lord to father me wasn't even something I ever really thought about before my dad died, if I'm honest. It wasn't even something I thought about after he died until someone said something to me about it, and once they did it became something I wrestled with and thought about often. I knew I needed to do it, but I didn't want to. Maybe it was because I was prideful, but mostly it was because I was angry with God. God began to chip away at that pride and anger during a worship service as I listened to Be Thou My Vision, and the song says "Thou my great Father and I thy true son..." The Lord, patient and kind as He is, told me "it's possible." I knew that even though I was angry at God, even though I felt like He wasn't working in my life, one day I would be able to lovingly call Him my father. God continued to beckon me, but I was so unable to come to Him. I couldn't call him my Abba until I heard a truth about myself as His child that humbled me and set me free at the same time. I went unsuspectingly to a church service where the pastor was sharing about Jesus as our great high priest. He told us that since we are co-heirs with Christ, it means that we are loved by God the same way He loves Jesus because, wait for it, we are His children. I had never identified myself as God's child in a personal way. On that day, the truth I knew in my head that I was God's child became overwhelmingly true in my heart. Galatians 4:6 says "Because you are his sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, 'Abba, Father.'" I'd been given a spirit of sonship, it wasn't something I had to find! What a gracious Father. I so desperately needed Him as my father, but I had no idea what that was supposed to look like. It's not something to over think though, as I often do. God being my father looked in so many ways like my dad was my Daddy. Daddy was the man I felt safe with because I knew he would always be there for me and would take care of our family. He made me feel protected, and when I held his hand or hugged his neck, I found security. Also, my dad always made sure we knew that any man who wanted to date us would have to go through him first. And he taught us to be women who are confident in who we really are, flaws and all. My dad was such a good dad, and I really do mean every word about him! 

I quickly learned that the things I felt about my dad were true of God, but in a much greater and perfect way. God quickly showed me that he wants to protect my heart and keep it safe. You know how as girls we can just meet a cute guy and within 5 minutes we have our lives planned out with him? Let's be real sisters, we may not admit that out loud but we've all done it! That became a real problem for me though, because I want more than a daydream. I don't want to waste my time thinking about a man I have no chance of having a future with, so I asked God to guard my heart from mindless crushes. I went even further and asked Him to keep me from a relationship until I was ready. I also asked Him to limit my relationships with men, even spiritual father figures, because I didn't want to seek that kind of relationship in a way that wasn't healthy. Slowly I began to recognize the lack of male influence in my life. My brother was living far away, both of my grandfathers were dead, and one of my dearest friends wasn't around much. I was thinking about how few men I had in my life, and God simply told me, "I am your one and only." He weaned me from depending on a relationship with any man for security. He let me know that in Him, I had all I need in a father. Period. Not only did I see how He guards my heart, but He's shown me in a new way that He is my provider. My pastor told us that God is the provider for our families, not a husband or father. I saw that because there is no man in my home, God is my provider in so many ways. He is my protector. He is my leader. Whoa. I get to see the beauty in having God care for me, for my family because of our need for Him. There is such a sweetness in relying solely on His strength to carry us. He is my constant, the only one in my life who will not fail me. Who won't leave me. Who knows the deepest desires of my heart and who will walk with me in every single season of my life, the good and the bad. He is never ceasing and never changing. That's something I have a hard time with--change. Especially changes in my relationships. After my dad died and as we've entered new seasons in our lives and our roles have changed, relationships in my family have changed. It unnerves me. It scares me, but God is my safe place. Just like my daddy's arms calmed my fears and made me feel safe, I'm safe in the arms of my Father. 

All of this isn't to say that I don't miss my daddy. I do, sometimes so much that it overwhelms me. I would literally give anything to have him back. God is more than enough for me, but sometimes I miss the audible voice of comfort or a big hug that makes everything okay. No one will ever replace my dad and I know I'll always miss him, but God has a beautiful way of meeting our need for human connection. My brother and my uncle are two men that God has used hugely the past two years of my life to bring me comfort and guidance when I need it the very most. I think of them as my "guardian redeemers." The story of Ruth has resonated with me since my dad died and every time I hear it or study it, I relate to it in a different way. Boaz is second in line as Ruth's guardian redeemer. When he takes Ruth as his wife, he also buys the property of Naomi's family and makes sure that the names of her sons and husband stay with the family (Ruth 4:10). What a noble thing for him to do! My Uncle Jimmy shared his testimony recently with someone who is very important to me but never met my dad. He made a point to let them know that my dad led him to know Christ. He made sure that my dad's legacy and love for the gospel stayed with the family. What a redeeming Father I have. 

I'm pretty new to not having an earthly father who is present. I know there are a lot of people in the same situation, left fatherless for other reasons. Don't forget these people, men of God. I ask you to consider how you, as a man, can care for the fatherless. Hearing encouragement from a man provides so much affirmation for someone, and I can't explain why. Giving a hug and letting a fatherless child know that you're just physically there brings comfort. Do something. To the fatherless: there is a God who loves you fiercely despite how you feel towards Him. Talk to Him and settle things today. It's worth it for reasons you won't even know until you're in eternity. 

Dear Future Pastor: An Open Letter

Brothers and Sisters,

            You are truly special. At one point in your life you heard a clear call from God, telling you to spend your life serving Him as your profession. Of course as Christians we’re all called to serve Him with whatever we do with our lives and that is just as important, but it’s different for you. If you’re in college or seminary preparing to go into ministry, let me be one of the many people to tell you that pastoring a church is hard. My own father was a pastor. I watched him spend countless hours in his study preparing sermons. I sat sadly as he returned home from family vacations to tend to grieving families. I fumed after watching him minister to people and pour his life into his congregation only to be criticized and be met with apathetic attitudes. My heart was broken and my world was shattered when on top of his battle with clinical depression, my father felt that he wasn’t good enough and that he had failed as a pastor and took his own life. So I know a little bit about the hardships of being in ministry, and I want to be real with you.

            I go to a Christian university where many young men and women are studying in preparation to go into full-time ministry. For a while after my dad died, I thought that people like you who were going to be pastors were crazy. I just thought it was a terrible idea, if I’m being honest. Just another pastor’s kid being bitter towards the church, right? Not anymore. I’ve come to realize that just because being a pastor is incredibly difficult at times doesn't discount the calling you have on your life. Who will shepherd the flocks if you don’t? God won’t lead you where His grace won’t carry you. Never ever let anyone make you feel like being in ministry isn’t worth it just because it’s hard. Great will be your reward!

            Now that I’ve got that out of the way, I need to tell you about your kids. You may not have any yet and well, that’s great! Let me go ahead and prepare you. Now, gather up of all of the things anyone has ever told you about pastor’s kids. Got ‘em? Okay, roll them into a tight wad and throw them out the window! Or burn them or something. I don’t really care what you do, just get rid of them! Why am I telling you this? Because you are going to be different, and so are your kids. I think one of the greatest things my parents ever did for me and my siblings was keeping us from knowing everything going on behind the scenes in our church. If I didn’t know the mean things people were saying or doing, I couldn’t be hurt or grow bitter. It’s just that simple. Another thing that I think causes pastor’s kids to become bitter is the fact that they have to share their dad (or mom) with the congregation. My dad was away often, but he always made sure to take a day off each week to spend with us. When he was home, he was Daddy. He did study at home some, but that was after family time.  He never failed to let us know how much we were loved and how important we were. Your family is and always will be your first ministry. Make sure your kids know that. Do not neglect them and make them feel like your work at the church is more important than they are. Use your best judgment though, because sometimes you really may have to rush to a dying person’s bedside or comfort a grieving family. Just let your kids know that God put a special calling on your life and that they are your child for a reason. Set boundaries and don’t make your kids feel like they can’t make mistakes just because of what people might think. Yes, they are held to a higher standard but it’s not your standard or even the church’s, it is God’s. A successful ministry begins at home. If your children are following the Lord, then you’re successful.

            Christians aren’t meant to be lone rangers. That’s just the way we were created. We’re meant to share life with one another so that we can be encouraged and strengthened. That’s especially true for you as a pastor. You cannot do it alone.  You NEED a strong support system so that when ministry does become difficult, you will have people around you reminding you that it is worth it. Your wife (or husband) will be the most important part of this system. I’ve heard pastors say that no matter what people in their congregation think, what their wife thinks matters more. That being said, your wife HAS to be on your side. You will have too many people disagreeing with your decisions to have her do the same. And when you come home, she needs to be the one that lets you know that you’re great at your job and that you are making a difference. Because no matter what you think, you are. Include her in your decisions because she has a very distinct point of view, but also know that her role as a pastor’s wife can sometimes be harder than yours. She knows the issues that you share with her, but has to keep them to herself. She’ll want to defend you, but it would do more hurt than good probably. My dad also had a network of fellow pastors that he did life with. That’s important to have because they can understand your struggles and share in your joys in a way that nobody else can. They'll provide sweet fellowship and you will learn so much from one another. Have a friend who is in ministry and hold them close. They can keep you accountable and strengthen you.

            Don’t let the things you face in ministry harden your heart. No matter how many angry church members criticize you, no matter how many deacons disagree with you and no matter how many times you think you’re just not cut out for it, be reminded that because you’ve been obedient you will be blessed. God won’t always keep you from bad experiences, but He will hold your hand through them. In Genesis 12:7, the Lord promised land to the Israelites at a place called Shechem. What a sacred place that is. I think we all have Shechems, those places where God clearly shows Himself to us by making a promise or giving a call to move. Never forget when you began to feel God’s prompting you to serve Him with your life. Hold it close to your heart and go back to your Shechem when you are hurting. One thing I know is that God is faithful. He will provide for your every need and you will be cared for. Being a pastor is a great joy. Never forget that! 

            Well I’ve said all I need to say. I don't think it's groundbreaking and it's probably something you've heard before, but I never want you to have to say "wow, no one ever told me how difficult this would be." It’s been on my heart for a while, but I’ve been missing my dad a lot lately so I decided to turn that into something that could hopefully encourage you. Never forget how much you are worth!

Love,

Mikayla

PS-If you could leave a "PS" to this letter, what would you say?

Let's Be Honest

If you know me, you know that I'm an honest person. Heck, if you've read any of my previous posts you can tell that I'm an honest person. I just lay it all out there. To me, there are times when honesty is the best gift you can give to someone. I'm honest because I don't want people to have questions. Plus, you know what? Sometimes we feel like we're the only one in the world having the thoughts or feelings that we have and hate having them, until someone opens up and we see that we're not alone.

So many people who are scared to be honest. You know why? Because being honest takes vulnerability. It takes a person deciding that they are going to risk their pride so that others can know that it's okay to not have it all together! Hold up, can I just ride that train for a minute? Some of us walk around like we have got our act together. We've got these great friends, we have a Pinterest-perfect wardrobe and our lives are pretty much perfect. Except for that in our hearts we just have this struggle because all of our friends are coupling off and getting engaged and married and we're still single and we think that maybe, just maybe it's because there's something wrong with us. Or we're dealing with these feelings of inadequacy and feel that we're not good enough. But we put on this facade and we're not willing to admit that our lives aren't perfect and that we do indeed struggle. You could save someone a great deal of pain just by sharing your struggles. I'm not saying to go around and share your deepest secrets with just anyone, no no. I'm saying to be willing to share your heart when God presents you with the opportunity.

It's been over a year since my dad died and I don't have as many days where I can't keep the tears from coming and sadness overtakes me. But there was just this one day where I heard a message in chapel and the speaker shared that my home state has the highest rate of pastoral suicide with 8 pastors in the past year taking their own lives. My dad was the 8th. I couldn't keep from crying but dangit I had to pull it together because I had to go to class! I went to class and I thought I would be okay. My professor was sitting right in front of me and asked for prayer requests. I think she could already tell I was about to lose it, so I shared. I wasn't about to cry and have everyone wondering why! I tried to speak through my tears, and I managed to tell my 12 other precious classmates that most days I can be strong, but today was not the day. God was still glorified in my tears and sadness. Later one of my lovely classmates told me something that I hold in my heart. She said "the more we are vulnerable the more we begin to realize how in need of Christ's strength and His identity we are...that's when we begin to truly become like Christ." So that's the big picture! Being honest and vulnerable glorifies God. His power is made perfect in your weakness!

Choosing Joy

I've thought about this for a while, and I really have lots of reasons to be bitter. Is that awful for me to say? I really do though, but by God's strength and power and only that, I choose joy. I choose joy because being bitter hurts. It hurts me and it hurts others. It's messy and it damages hearts and relationships. I've walked that road and if  I could go back and change it I would do it in a heartbeat. But we don't get second chances once we've hurt someone. Friendships that have been broken and hurt can be put back together, but they'll never be the same.

I could walk around being a victim of suicide. I could blame my dad's critics and the church. I could say that he tried and he tried but the people wouldn't serve and they wouldn't change. I could be bitter at the church for not supporting their pastors and for not serving the lost. But I have to choose joy. Being bitter towards the church will certainly not help me. The church as a whole is the bride of Christ! He loves His bride and I need to as well. We are one and I belong to the body of believers. Mark 3:25 say that a house will fall if it is divided against itself. Being bitter would cause even more problems in the church. We're imperfect people, and until Jesus comes to take His bride away, the church will be imperfect too.

My point is, sometimes we have to CHOOSE joy. We have to literally decide that we aren't going to walk around being hurt, angry and resentful and decide to live with joy. Bitterness is pointless and it keeps people from wanting to be around you. So today I challenge you  to not let the hurt from yesterday keep you from living this day to the fullest. You only get to live this day once, so don't let bitterness steal the goodness.

Things Not to Say to Grieving People

The days and weeks after my dad died, so many people came to visit us. The offered their sympathy and meant the very best, but sometimes they just tried too hard to say something profound. The people I appreciated the most were those who admitted that they didn't know what to say and just hugged my neck. Death is a part of life, and you'll have to face it sometime. There are some things that I heard many many times that were said in vain.

Things not to say to people who are grieving:

1) God is going to use this in your life

Sure He will! But that’s not what people want to hear. It’s a little insensitive. People in the midst of a tragedy can’t even fathom that they are going to have to face the next day. That’s their biggest challenge, not how they are going to reach others through their story. I didn’t really care that God was going to use it and honestly I didn’t want Him to. Why was my dad’s death something that God had to use? Couldn’t it be something else? It was true, but those were empty words to me.

2)  God won’t give you more than you can bear.

PLEASE! I’m calling absolute BALONEY on this one. This verse is taken COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTEXT. The verse that is being referred to when people say this is 1 Corinthians 10:13. It says: "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." It’s not saying that life won’t be so hard that you can’t bear it; it’s saying that when you are tempted, God always provides a way out. How dare you tell a mother whose child is dying of cancer or a teenager whose parents are divorcing that God won’t give them more than they can handle? Of course God will give us more than we can handle. Life happens, but God meets us there---in the middle of our pain and our hurt. He promises to be there with us.

3)   I understand.

Do you? Do you really understand? Unless you have suffered the same loss or a similar one, you don’t understand. And you never will until you experience loss in the same way.

4) I'm praying for you.

I'm not saying not to pray for them, but don't tell somebody that you're praying for them if you aren't going to. I think that's something that we just say to people just because that's what we've been conditioned to say. But I know for me that I will often tell people I'm praying for them and I never do. Here's what I've been trying to get myself to do: when I tell someone I'm praying for them, if I'm typing it I'll do it right then. If I'm saying it to someone, I'll stop and pray with them. Trust me, prayers from my fellow brothers and sisters are what got me through the first few days and months following my dad's death. Pray. Don't just say you're going to out of courtesy, actually do it.

When you can't find words to say to someone in the midst of tragedy, it's best to keep silent. Sometimes the best thing you can do for them is to physically just be there. Serve them in practical ways. The state of shock I was in kept me from eating, showering and even being able to dress myself properly. How I wish that someone who wasn’t experiencing my loss would have come to be with me—be strong for me. People won’t be able to tell you that they need you because they can’t see past their situation. That’s when you literally show up, and if they don’t need you you’ll know and you can be gone. Trying to find the right words is impossible.  If you don’t know what to say, stay quiet, for your words will be found empty to those who hear them. 

Surviving Suicide: One Year Later

On this day last year, my world crashed in around me. I got a call from my mom that afternoon telling me to come home. That's all she said. In my gut, I knew what had happened. I frantically packed a few random items and my roommate and I rushed to my home. The hour long drive seemed to take forever. Shock was starting to set in. The whole way I was hoping that maybe I would have to go to the hospital because there had been an accident. I was trying to be positive, but I knew. I knew he was gone. And I knew why. My dad took his own life one year ago today. He had had a short battle with depression and couldn't see his way out of the pain he was feeling. The past year has been terrible awful at times. I've been angry at God, angry at my friends, I've been sad and I've cried until my head pounded and I couldn't cry any more. I didn't think that I would be able to face another day. But I did. I faced the next day and the next day and every day after that. I'm still breathing. I survived suicide.

I survived because I have hope that one day when I stop living here on earth, I will stand side by side with my Daddy as we worship our King. But this hope was so often overshadowed by my hurt and anger. I was angry at God! Wasn't He sovereign? Could he not have intervened and stopped my dad from taking his life? Yes. He certainly could have. I became bitter because of this. I stopped seeking God--why would I want to know better the God who allowed my father to die? But I had other days when I felt God's perfect peace and I trusted Him. Other days though, His love felt far away. How could God still love me so much when I was so angry at Him and wasn't seeking Him? I felt that somehow He was disappointed in me and was waiting for me to "get over it" and turn to Him. I knew that wasn't true though. I knew it, but I couldn't see it. I even questioned if He really did love me. I couldn't see Him as the loving God that He is. His love isn't something we feel though. We know He loves us because of what he does. Through all my questioning, I was sure of my salvation. I knew God was real because I have tasted and seen His goodness.That's how I knew He loved me. Jesus. Ephesians 1:45 says "In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will..." He sent Jesus because He loves us! It gives Him pleasure to call us His! It was such a simple truth but I overlooked it. He chose me to be His daughter and loves me the way He loves Jesus because I am a coheir with Christ! That was so freeing. He loves me no matter what---through my doubts, through my anger and through my bitterness. He cares for me. He cares about me and so much so that every single gazillion tear I've cried the past year, He has gathered it and stored it away (Psalm 56:8). He cares about every little detail of your life! 

God seemed so silent and I thought that I would never hear from Him through my hurt. But James 1 talks about praying for wisdom in our hard times. When we ask for wisdom, God gives it to us generously! That has been my prayer, and He has been generous in giving wisdom and teaching me these things.

1) God doesn't waste anything. After my dad died people would tell me that God was going to use it so that I could minister to others. And you know what I wanted to tell those well-meaning people? That I didn't care. That God could use somebody else's story. Let someone else's dad die and give me mine back because that's all I wanted. Couldn't He use me without allowing my dad to die? I know I'll ever stop missing my dad or that I'll ever say that I'm okay with him being gone, but I've seen that GOD WILL USE MY PAIN FOR HIS GLORY. He wants to be glorified, and if you ask Him to use your suffering for good, His power will be made perfect through your weakness!

2) Stop complaining. For real, when I came back to school after my dad's passing and I heard people complaining, I wanted to scream at them. I was just thinking, come on people! Don't you realize that there are people in the world who are having the worst day of their lives and you're complaining about an assignment that seems too hard? Like, if you want to complain about something, my dad killed himself three days after my birthday. He didn't even speak to me on my that day and I didn't get to tell him bye. But my story isn't even that bad really. There are thousands of little girls who are being used as slaves and who have the mindset that they are WORTHLESS. There are babies in Africa who die from malnutrition. Is it really going to help to gripe about this thing that won't matter in 20 years? Before you complain, remember that not complaining sets you apart as a child of God (Phillipians 2:14).

3) Treasure the people in your life. If I had known that my birthday was the last time I would see my dad, I would have spent that weekend so differently. I would have come home earlier, I would have held my dad's hand and told him that I believed in him. I didn't get to do that though. And I'm sure I'll always wish I had. Some people say that that's living in the past and that it doesn't do any good to think that way. That may be true, but what kind of person would I be if I didn't want one last hug and kiss from my dad? Love the people that are important to you like it's the last time you'll ever see them. You'll love deeper and more sincerely. You're only given one family, so hold them close and realize that some people don't have what you have.

4) Know when to let people go. Some people are in your life for a season. They serve a purpose in your life, but there comes a point when you just have to know that you need to let go and accept that there is a time for everything, even relationships.

5) Stop being critical of your pastor. My dad was a pastor all of my life. I saw him pour his heart and life into his ministry, only to be criticized by certain people. He didn't know enough about finances. Our church wasn't growing and it was his fault. He didn't say exactly what they wanted to hear and they were "hurt." He didn't spend enough time at the church. Yet these people weren't fulfilling the Great Commission as my father was. He loved people and built relationships with them and grew them as disciples of Christ. And his critics never once came to church with a lost friend they were trying to reach or someone they were pouring their lives into. Your pastor was chosen by God to serve in vocational ministry. He spends time visiting people in the hospital, studying God's word, ministering to your community and it often takes him away from his family. Don't criticize him because you don't think that the way he preached his sermon was very exciting or because he wasn't at his office very much that week. He is doing what God has called him to do and he's under so much pressure. We're the body of Christ! He isn't the only one called to serve--you are too because you're a part of the body and it needs every part to function. Praise your pastor and encourage him. Partner with him and let him know that you're on his side. Make his job easier.

God has done so much in my life the past year it's hard to put it all into words. His mercies are new every morning, and I thank Him for that on nights like these. His grace is bigger than our troubles and His love is far greater than our pain.